All Shall Perish - Mike Tiner and Eddie Hermida
Posted on December 01, 2008 at 3:38 pm by admin
Alright people, get ready for a big hilarious interview with All Shall Perish vocalist Eddie Hermida and their famed bass player Mike Tiner (THE Tiner). Are you ready for plenty of off-colour sexual jokes and toilet humour? No? You think it’s disgusting? Well it doesn’t matter, because once you start reading, you will be hooked! Or you might leave some nasty comments…
But realistically speaking the dudes in All Shall Perish are absolutely funny, and they also brought up some important subjects to give you some serious thought between the laughter, especially to those Lanbgoat posters.
Way Too Loud!: I noticed you mentioned that you’ve got the guitarist from Sleep Terror right now.
Eddie Hermida: He’s just filling in for Ben right now. Ben is at home learning how to stretch his asshole for videos that he’s doing, for up-and-coming pornos.
Mike Tiner: The videos that he’s doing are actually a cover-up. He’s actually stretching his asshole for his wife, who is super-hot. He wants to know what its like to give birth, so he’s going to pass some stuff through his ass.
Eddie: He’s gonna shit it out! Huh! Rock your body live!
WTL: I remember last summer, you had anther person filling in for him.
Eddie: You’re right! Ben had a kid recently. It’s very draining for him to come out on every single tour we do, so he does about 3/4s of the touring, and the tours that have come through Canada have unfortunately not been with him. But he’s still %100 with us. He works at home for the band. He’s kind of our home base when we’re out on tour and he can’t come. Sometimes it’s really beneficial - I mean, we do miss the guy, but what else are you gonna do, y’know?
WTL: One thing I’m wondering, it what was your intention when making “Awaken the Dreamers”?
Mike: To meet sweet dudes!
Eddie: To write probably the record that one person in the band will absolutely hate. And we succeeded!
WTL: Which person hated it?
Mike: [Sarcastically] Which one could it be? I don’t know… I actually did the album to get a whole bunch of MySpace dudes. In one of the pictures, you can actually see a girl in the background with a deuce in the toilet. That’s what I’m hoping for anyway… I’ve yet to get one. I’ve got a bunch of dudes doing it, but I’ve yet to get one with a chick.
WTL: What did you want to do on this album that you didn’t get to do before?
Eddie: We wanted to write something that didn’t sound like something we’ve already written. For the most part, we wanted to write a record that has elements of All Shall Perish, but for the most part is trying to branch out. I think for the most part we did an alright job.
WTL: Is there a meaning behind the title?
Matt Kuykendall (who just arrived): It’s a call for something, for people to realize something greater within themselves, about not just dreaming, but acting. Waking up and making things happen, not just sitting around believing in hope.
Eddie: The same thing goes for every aspect of life. There’s too many people that sit back, and are way too passive in their own lives. We’re not saying go out and fight anybody, but you should definitely fight for what you believe in, and take action for what you believe in.
Mike: And if you see that dude on the bus with a huge beard a cute mustasch, ask him out! He’s probably shy, and you need to do him a favour!
WTL: Was this album a concept? I know on the previous album, there were some songs following a theme?
Eddie: I’m not so sure it’s so much a theme. All of our songs have a basis behind them. I wouldn’t call it a concept record at all, we just tend to write songs in the mindframe were in, and write lyrics in the mindframe we’re in, and it just comes out. Basically we write everything, and at the end we get an overview of everything. If they have similarities, we name the album accordingly, and if it doesn’t we just come up with a sweet title. Luckily with the last two effects, we’ve had songs that really come together. For the most part, we don’t start attempting to write a concept record, it just comes out that way.
Oh wait, I’ve got to tell you about this… One of our band members went into the toilet, and took a real fat shit, and the toilets don’t work, so they’re flooded. This groupie chick who is wearing our shirt, and did not watch us play, and probably didn’t even know who I was, just walked into that bathroom, and she’s probably sitting on that piece of shit right now. And I am very happy about that!
WTL: I’m guessing the reviews for “Awaken the Dreamers” have been better than average.
Eddie: For the most part we’ve gotten a lot of really great reviews, and we’ve gotten a lot of good reviews where people are really stoked on our talent, and really liked the direction we took. There were some people who didn’t think we pulled off the extremes that we were trying to go to as well as other bands out there that do that style specifically. I think we did the best we could, and for the most part, the reviews are great!
WTL: Was there any fear that there might be some fans that would get the album? We’re at a point in time where kids are used to picking up brand new albums that are stale, and are turned off by bands who break the rules.
Eddie: Well… I break the law. The moment we started writing the record, we knew that we were going to be pushing boundaries. We knew we were going to be doing things that we normally don’t do, doing stuff that kids weren’t going to expect. I wasn’t really afraid how kids were going to view the singing on the record, or how they’d take to the different style of screaming.
WTL: There were a lot of slow songs too.
Eddie: A LOT of slow songs. Not a lot of fast, death metal-esque pieces. We’re trying to write metal music, and death metal bands are still metal.
WTL: There’s a lot of single note breakdowns on the album, and even in one video you guys did, you [referring to Mike] even made a joke about the single note breakdown.
Mike: I did! I in fact did that!
WTL: Do you think it’s coming to an end? Because some bands are completely ditching them.
Eddie: I don’t care who’s ditching ‘em, we’re still going to write music that we like, I like how heavy they are, I like how they make me feel good. When I hear them, and if they’re done well, I’m done with ‘em. I don’t give a fuck!
Mike: We may branch out to the two, possibly the three-note breakdown, if asked nicely. If not asked nicely, then fuck you!
Eddie: By ask nicely, he means…
Mike: Fellatio!
Eddie: Fellatio with icecubes in the mouth, then toast is alright, though preferably altoids.
Mike: I definitely need Icey/Hot. Rub my balls with Icy/Hot, then spit on my dick, and shake it like you’re rolling dice and your ugly.
WTL: Didn’t you say that in our other interview?
Mike: No I didn’t! I didn’t say it quite like that last time. I said spit on it, and maybe dip your hand in the toilet while I’m on there, and splash! Did I say that last time? I did not!
WTL: You’ve had your first album out sine 2003, so I’m wondering how you feel about some of the newer bands coming along, playing the same old schlock, and getting big real fast, to the point where they’re headlining tours, and you’re doing direct support for them. I won’t name any names…
Mike: I don’t give a fuck.
Eddie: We go on stage, and we regulate, like we do every fucking night. We play the fucking hardest that we ever have. That’s all we can go out and do. We don’t have anything to prove. We know who we are, and we’re going to keep writing records that push boundaries, we’re going to keep writing records that are still brutal, and we’re going to keep playing shows where kids leave saying “Fuck! All Shall Perish wrecked it!” To me, everybody else can come and go, I don’t give a fuck.
Mike: We have played shows with these bands you speak of…
WTL: Not to say that they’re not nice guys.
Mike: Oh no, no, no. Whether or not a band is a bunch of nice guys, and weather their music is good are two totally different things. I’ve met a bunch of bands who are a bunch of fucking pricks who I hope die in their sleep, but their music is really good, and vice versa, I hope the music dies in its sleep. But y’know? Whatever. These bands generally don’t last too long either, but they could be nice guys. I don’t give a fuck. Fuck ‘em.
WTL: You’ve ben round for awhile, and you’ve only had two member changes, so what do you attribute to the stable lineup?
Mike: We’re not in high school.
Eddie: Yeah, we’re not little kids. Basically, all differences aside, we all know that when the shit hits the fan, we’ve all got each others back. We’re all pretty respectful dudes, for the most part, except when we’re drunk, then you’ve got to cross boundaries. As far as us staying together for this long, it’s only been three years. We write great music together, and we appreciate each others contributions.
Mike: I like his dick spinning around in m mouth, much like these two whores [points to the two girls in front of us]. Seriously, what he was saying was exactly right. Every single one of us puts the band above our personal relationships, so even if some of us are fighting, and we really want to fucking kill each other, and oh we do, we really do, we put all that shit behind us, and go and sleep, and the next morning, it’s all god the next day. Either that or I drink myself until I’ve blacked out and can’t remember shit and I throw up on somebody, then it’s even funnier. [Makes evil laughter] Ha ha ha! And it is!
WTL: Even though Hate Eternal isn’t here right now, actually, did you [to Eddie] tour with Hate Eternal before this tour?
Eddie: I played my first show with All Shall Perish on a show with Hate Eternal, but no I didn’t tour with them before this tour.
WTL: I’m sure you guys must know Erik Rutan pretty well though.
Mike: I actually did do my first tour with Hate Eternal, and I remember this one day, I saw Erik Rutan dragging around iced tea in a jug, and it looked like piss, and we told him he looked like he’s drinking piss, and he says “Yeah, yeah, I’m drinking piss” so the next time we saw him, we called him piss-drinker, and this is like three years later, so he says “Did you piss in one of my bottles of tea?” and yeah, I did. What are you gonna do? Just kidding! Maybe… He doesn’t know if I really did or not, and I like it that way.
WTL: [to Eddie] I’m guessing that you’ve gotten to know Hate Eternal a bit better on this tour.
Eddie: Yeah! Erik and I have become really great friends on this tour. I saw Morbid Angel, I think it was around ’99, 2000 opening for Pantera and Slayer, and I remember that being a really monumental show for me. I saw two of my favourite bands, and I was just blown away by this crazy death metal band. I was just starting to get into death metal at that point, although I was really into Pantera and Slayer, I was really motivated by them. That show just blew my mind, and made me look towards underground bands and go to small shows, and really get to know the scene I guess, and from there I joined bands and made my way to All Shall Perish. When I told Erik that story, he was really taken aback, and he had kind of a new found respect for me, and now we’re really good friends, and he invited me to his house in Florida. The guy is a really cool dude.
WTL: Was than ever any consideration to have Erik Rutan produce your latest album?
Mike: I don’t want to make Zachs pussy too wet, but I just love that go so much and everything that he does, that I probably won’t ever go anywhere else.
Eddie: We’ve been working with Zach for three years. I recorded my first pro session with him, and I’ve done all of my All Shall Perish work with him. He knows me, and he knows how to get good takes out of me. He knows when to call my bullshit. You can’t get that off of anybody else. You can’t get that from some guy who doesn’t really know you. We definitely like working with him. We would consider bringing an outside producer in, that might be a good idea, but engineering will always be done by Zach Ohren.
WTL: Has he been there since day one, for the first All Shall Perish album?
Mike: Yup, the very first album we recorded with him. Even then, he was calling me on all my shit, an calling Matt [Kuykendall, drums]. I remember Matt wanted to go to him, and was like “I dunno”, and Matt went to him, and of course the drums were recorded first, and Zach called him on every little piece of shit thing, and Matt was like “Fuck this guy! I hate him!” and that made me love him that much more! I thought it was fucking awesome! He still does that same shit the whole time. Zach doesn’t care what we think, how big we get, or anything like that, he will still call us out on everything we do, and make us feel like little fucking piddly shitheads. And that’s awesome. It gives me a boner people, that’s what I’m trying to say!
WTL: What kinds o things do you like to do to entertain yourself on tour?
Mike: Dangerous question!
WTL: I know this is going to take up half the interview now, isn’t it?
Eddie: Yeah, let me take a deep breath… [breaths deeply] Well, Mike and I like to fuck doggy-style. Sometimes missionary. Mike likes my knees around my ears. I preferably like to lick his taint, which is REALLY hairy, and sometimes have little balls of, huh, I’m not going to mention it… peanuts are involved.
We like hiring new boys. Cute little young boys, preferably from farm towns, so that you know they’re nice and not ready for anal sex, and we just take ‘em. They take it. You take it like a fucking man, and you show them what the fuck is up. You can also slap their dicks in your face, and maybe jizz in your own hand, and maybe throw it at people in the street - the “Spider man!”
Mike: It’s all about turning boys into men - just like the band! But it’s more about slapping a gouche when they’re on their back. I don’t know if you can get a visual of this, but they’re on their back, holding their knees up, and their balls are so small because they’re so young, so they haven’t really dropped yet, so you just take your hand, and slap their gouche. Not their balls, because they’ll hurt! That’s not nice! You don’t want that! Just a kind little [makes a slap, I’ll let you guess where], like that! And then maybe you can spit on the butthole, just a little bit.
Eddie: To clarify, the “taint” and the “gouche” is the middle area between your balls and your asshole, cuz it ‘taint your ass, and it ‘taint your balls, and it’s a gouche just because it’s called a fucking gouche.
Mike: I’ve also heard it’s called a “grundel”.
Eddie: Grundel? Isn’t that the name of some sort of Hansen character?
Mike: That’s my momma man! That’s my momma name! That’s my baby momma name, so whatever.
Eddie: Oh. Whatever.
WTL: What have you been reading lately?
Mike: Reading?! [laughs insanely, and obnoxiously loud, with some evil thrown in] What have I been reading! I like that one!
Eddie: I’ve been reading how to speak english. I don’t know if you know this, but english is my second language, so I’ve been learning how to read very slowly. The letter are very big and colourful, so it’s a lot of fun, so the reading is very captivating. The book is “Learning to Read” by Julio Estivez.
WTL: [to Mike] Any reasons why you don’t read?
Mike: It’s hard man… I mean, there’s all those words! How look does it take to read fucking “Fight Club” when you can watch the fucking thing in an hour and forty-five minutes max? Tops! Plus Brad Pit and Edward Norton? [sings in a pitch] Hot! Reading? Fuck that!
WTL: I thought you said you were a math teacher as your regular day job in our last interview.
Mike: I’ll make it real creepy - I work with children! And I’m on the “Megan’s Law” website. What are you gonna do? You know what the “Megan’s Law” website is, don’t you? Maybe you don’t. Oh yeah, you guys don’t have that here.
Eddie: For you fellow Canadians, the “Megan’s Law” website is a website where sexual offenders who’ve been convicted and released back into the public have to sign this waiver, and be reported on a website.
Mike: Basically you can go on this website and see where all these registered sex offenders are. They could’ve done anything from touch a little boy, to fuck an old lady when she was yelling “no”. All those things are on there, so it’s your turn to guess “Which one am I?” Am I a boy toucher, or did I fuck yo granny, ho? You tell me!
Actually, I remember the last time you interviewed me, I said something really fucked up about girl named Heather, who made me quit that tutor job because my boss - who’s still my friend! Kerry, I promise if you’re reading this, you’re still my friend - she hired this girlfriend, and I lost my job. She hired her. She got rid of me because she hired her.
WTL: I’m surprised you’re friends with her. I wouldn’t speak to her.
Mike: Well I’m trying to ht that booty, so… You heard that Kerry! Just you wait! I like cougars! Raow!
WTL: [to Eddie] Has the success of your band gone to Mikes head?
Eddie: Which head are you talking about?
Mike: Oh! [high-fives Eddie over my head] You got Eifel Towered bitch! [evil laughter] For you Canadians that don’t know what the Eifel Tower is, it is a large tower in Paris, France. I know that some of you speak french, I don’t know why… but that’s your problem. I’m sorry.
Eddie: You obviously don’t know the Tiner very well. He’s a fucking piece of shit! He’s been acting like a fucking piece of shit since he’s been out of the womb! I’m pretty sure he fell out of his moms vagina, then kicked her in the face and said “Fuck you bitch!”
Mike: The only reason I fell out of her vagina as because it was huge, and she was a whore. But honestly, ladies especially, I’m a sweet guy. I’m a romantic guy. I like to light a candle when I masturbate, and then I try to shoot it out! Aw ha ha ha! Alright, I ripped off that joke from David Tell, I’m sorry, I’m an asshole.
WTL: I know we talked about this last time, and I’m wondering if anything has changed now that you’re riding around in big buses and sports cars, going back home to drink champagne for breakfast in your mansion. Mike, I know you love to snort coke off of hookers asses.
Mike: Oh I do! Hookers ‘n blow, that what I told my mom it’s all about! Actually, I remember last time we were telling you how we don’t make any money, and in the same sentence we told you how we have a flat-screen TV and every video game system known to man inside our van. But since then, we’ve tried to make Lambgoat happy and wrecked our van. It didn’t make everyone happy, because it didn’t flip, and we didn’t die… Fuck all you people on Lambgoat that say that shit! That shit ain’t nice! It’s not cool man!
Eddie: Yeah, that shit isn’t funny, and I’m saying that in all seriousness. It sucks to know bands, and have them pass away, then going on Lambgoat and people giving that act praises, or to see a band like Bury Your Dead flip their van and survive, and the kids on Lambgoat are bummed out because they’re not dead. It’s just fucked up. We’re not going out there and doing an easy job by driving around, and we’re definitely not rock stars, we just play music for a bunch of kids who love it.
Mike: We do get a lot of booty though! Every single one of us!
Eddie: The fact that I am gay gets me a ton of ass!
Mike: It helps that you’ve got that Latin heat!
Eddie: By heat, he means herpes.
Mike: No really! If we go outside he can sting you with the pus. That’s how I get hookers! I peel off the scabs! Oh, man! Oh yeah! That’s me just being disgusting.
Eddie: Or real.
Mike: That’s real man. That’s what I’m talking about muthafucka!
Eddie: You garbage yet BITCH?! That’s gonna be my new shit! I’m gonna turn all you ho’s into garbage! It’s garbage man! You don’t want that shit!
WTL: I know you guys like Suffocation, so what is it about Suffocation you love?
Eddie: I love Frank’s signature blast hand [Eddie does the signature Suffocation hand twitch] that I emulate, because I love the act. I love it so much. I saw you doing that when you crowd surfed during our set.
Mike: It’s mainly because when I touched you, my hand got wet. That’s how I can tell you’re a pussy. It smells like dry fish, or summer sausage. Do you guys have summer here?
Eddie: No, when it’s summer it just stays dark for forty days.
Mike: So up here, it’s dark for forty days and then what? The sea dies?
Eddie: No, just the children’s hearts. You fucking, maple sap mutherfuckers!
WTL: We also have electricity and running water too!
Mike: Really? I thought when you shit, you needed a shovel and a flashlight. I’m really being an asshole, and I apologize to all you fine Canadians.
Eddie: You do have beautiful women.
Mike: Yeah you do! You’ve got two really dumb ones right in front of me right now. Speaking about the whores, not the people actually reading and/or listening to this…
Eddie: We love you!
Eddie: On the real, I really love Suffocation. Their breakdowns are groovy as fuck, they’re a very brutal death metal band. They write tight shit. Why else would you love a band?
Mike: They are the best death metal band. Ever. I’m not even fucking round or exaggerating. I have five albums of all kinds of music that I love, and “Pierced From Within” is one of those fie albums.
WTL: And the other four?
Mike: Justin Timberlake - “LoveSounds”! That’s one through four right there! I really like that one with Lionel Ritchie, where he’s laying like this [lays back] You know that one? He has HUGE mutherfucking balls! He does! I bought a goat for my house…
WTL: Who would you like to tour with?
Mike: GWAR!
Eddie: And chop the head off Obama! Which they’re doing currently. Don’t get me wrong, they’re chopping the head off McCain too, though I think it’d be funny to chop the head off Obama. They’re not racist!
Mike: They’re just aware!
I’d love to tour with Skarhead. I’d love to tour with Blessed by a Broken Heart. Who Killed Junior would be a sick band name! Maybe that… what’s the group with those two blue-eyed blonde girls, singing about how being white is the best thing ever. Is it Prussian Blue? I’d love to tour with them so I could choke them.
Eddie: While you fuck them?
Mike: Yeah!
Eddie: I’d like to tour with Mike Patton, and anything that he’s done. I would love to tour with Machine Head.
WTL: I think they’d love to tour with you, because Robb Flynn just posted this video saying he loves your band, and you’re both Oakland boys too.
Eddie: I’m really happy that Robb has taken us in his praises. That’s a band that we really want to tour with. We’d love to be out there sharing the stage with them. I’d love to tour with Megadeth. Avenged Sevenfold. Between the Buried and me. There’s so many bands I’d love to tour with and that I’d love to just see every night.
WTL: Were you the first or second band to tour in Siberia?
Mike: Alright, here’s the dispute - there was a tour that went through Siberia that had Soilwork and Soulfly, and they went there before us, that’s undisputed. They went to all the same cities before us too, and that’s undisputed, we know that, the dispute is whether or not it was the first American band to tour over there. Soilwork is definitely Swedish, right? But what is Soulfly? Max has a Brazilian flag on his guitar, and his MySpace and everything else says he’s Brazilian, so they say Soulfly is Brazilian because they’ve got two Brazilian guys in the band, that’s where I think the dispute is coming from. I don’t know… MySpace says Brazilian, there’s Brazilian people playing in the band.
WTL: I do know that most, maybe all of the members live in the US, and some of the members may be US citizens.
Mike: But they’re not all US citizens, I’ll tell you that! Ha ha!
Eddie: I’ll tell you what, I was probably the first Venezuelan in that place.
Mike: That’s probably true!
WTL: Really? I couldn’t tell.
Eddie: I’m very Venezuelan. It’s all below the waist (that means really little!).
Mike: It really means he smells like Charizo and fart!
WTL: Has playing over there helped to open more doors for touring? You’re an underground band. Have you heard of more bands getting booked there, or more people trying to make shows happen over there?
Mike: I hope some more bands get to go because people really dig that kind of music. I don’t really know what else to say past that. I can’t imagine that the same people who went to see us were the same people who went to see Soilwork and Soulfly, but I dunno. I hope more bands get to go. I hope that everybody gets to go!
Eddie: And Siberia needs bands to go out there and show kids how to fucking rock.
WTL: Where in the world would you like to tour? You’ve actually made it pretty far now, haven’t you?
Mike: We’ve been to Australia, to Europe to Russia and places like that, and all over North America. I think I’m done. I’m over the world. I just wanna go home.
WTL: Maybe South America?
Eddie: I’d love to go there! I want to tour wherever whenever.
WTL: I’ve heard of a couple of bands just getting into Africa.
Mike: I’m not really into AIDS. Sorry! What was the question so I don’t sound like a total asshole for saying that? Oh wait, Japan!
WTL: Have you ever lied about your band name, or who you are, since bands get asked about their band name all the time?
Mike: We do constantly say we’re Atreyu, and everybody falls for it. People are retarded! I don’t think it’s gotten us into too much terrible trouble, but at the same time, its gotten us into a few situations.
Eddie: Yeah, we always say we’re Fallout Boy - ALWAYS! We go to places and say we’re Fallout Boy. It’s actually gotten me into trouble because I thought I was going to get laid by these… this one whore at a radio station because I said I was in Fallout Boy and she was drunk, and the drunkness started to wear off, and she ended up ditching me at the radio station, and the band was an hour and a half away, and I had no way of getting to them. This one dude ended up driving me. He was super nice. We ended up smoking some weed. It was a scary moment in my life!
Mike: The biggest lie is that people think the band name is All Shall Perish, but here’s the real truth. Now do you know how on the first couple of Pantera albums, “Dimebag” Darrel was supposedly “Diamond” Darrel? Everybody thought he was saying “diamond”, but he was usually saying “dimebag”. We really said out band name was “All Small Penis”. That’s the truth! We just named it like that because we’re just being real. We don’t have big dicks! But everybody thought they heard All Shall Perish, so there it is! I apologize!
WTL: That would fit with the theme of what I suggested last time, the All out War, All That Remains and All Shall Perish tour being the “All Small Penis” tour.
Mike: I would call that “not gonna happen”. It would be sweet, but it’s not gonna happen. Very sad. I’m crying on the inside.
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